George,

This weekend is Presidents Day, one of those three-day weekends designed to honor who-knows for God-knows-what. It’s sort of like how you feel about Black History Month, which,
coincidentally, is going on now too.
For your convenience, I’ve compiled a list of ways for you to celebrate the holiday (read:lead
the nation) for the weekend and really demonstrate the leadership that so many in the polls
(which I know you don’t pay attention to) say you’re lacking. Some of them are designed to honor old traditions, while others are more of a modern take or update on other traditions. They’re all simple ideas—even you can accomplish most of them!

• Buy a car, on sale. We all know that, if given the technology, George Washington would
have crossed the Delaware River in an SUV instead of boats.
• Buy some clothes, on sale. We also all know that if George Washington’s mother had the
three-day-weekend sales, he would not have dressed the way he did.
• Watch a lot of television. In the spirit of Washington’s time leading the American army,
cable TV schedules its programming in marathons so that it could have entertained troops
all night long.
• Give birth to a nation. Use a midwife, because hospitals in the late 1700s didn’t really exist.
Doing this could make a great pro-life statement too.
• Put your face on some money. Accounting for inflation, it should be a very large bill—I know
you won’t do the math either. But who doesn’t want to see GWB on our currency.
• Get shot in Ford’s Theater. This day is supposed to honor Abe Lincoln too, so make sure
to not leave him out. By ‘get shot’ I mean stage a tasteful rendition of being shot. We’d all
hate to see you go for real.
•While we're on Lincoln, why not preside over a civil war? Just kidding, I know you hate when I bring that up.
• Issue some pardons in the great traditions of Gerald Ford and Bill Clinton (we can celebrate other presidents too) Ford's still riding a wave of revisionist nostalgia, and would appear in good taste, and honoring Clinton, would appear bi-partisan.
• Disregard the media, like Nixon. Wait, you’ve got this one covered.
• You’ve already said that you answer to a ‘higher father’ than your real father. And
somehow you’ve managed to escape the biblical tradition of the sins of the father being
visited upon the son. So I think you can pretty much ignore George H.W. and his advice,
like you’ve been doing for six years.
• The great tradition of the presidential beard or mustache has fallen by the wayside in
recent years (since 1909). It would be cool to bring this back, don’t you think?
• Chop down a cherry tree. Washington never actually did this, but what’s more American
than perpetuating a lie? Stay the course, no matter what anyone says, or who’s cherry tree
it was.

Remember, it’s Presidents Day, not Washington’s birthday. Indulge yourself too. Why not do
an extra signing statement or two, just for kicks. Drink a real beer at dinner. Hell, take the day
off.

Or month. Just like you always do.

Your assistant,

Mike Morris