Posted: 02/28/07

Right to bear drinks

Mike Morris | managing editor
mmorris2@smcvt.edu

This may come as a surprise to you, as it no doubt did my friend "Agnes" Gallagher on Saturday night, but it is possible to be kicked out of a bar. Yes, even at the last vestige of debauch and excess for otherwise responsible adults, it is possible to behave in such a way as to be asked to leave.

What did "Agnes" do that so offended the proprietors of a drinking establishment so much? She brought her own drink.

She might have peed on the floor too.

I might be exaggerating my story.

I do understand the need for a bar to regulate the flow of drinks within its walls, and by extension, the need to disallow drinks from without. But a one-strike-and-you’re-out system may be a bit excessive. Agnes certainly thought so, as she tried to sneak back in twice, and failed both times, though she did make it through the door once. Supposedly, she was called an asshole in the process, though not by the bouncer. It was some old guy.

While being kicked out of a bar is clearly not the worst thing to be kicked out of (college, for example, would be worse) I do believe my friend was bothered, at least a little, by the occurrence, and understandably so. She was in a room full of people mispronouncing words and standing a bit off-kilter. For every responsible, mature person in the room (me, let’s say) there was a responsible, mature person behaving out of character (Agnes).

That night, according to Agnes, it was freezing outside. She was cold. I do believe she was underdressed for the weather, which is not the fault of the bar, unless the bouncer stole her coat before kicking her out, which I'm pretty sure he didn't.

I know this all seems petty, especially given that I would have probably kicked my friend out of the bar too. But we must not forget our constitutional right to bear drinks, especially those of an alcoholic nature in the proper establishment. It's the American way.

Our country was conceived in the beer halls and back rooms of Boston's early pubs. What would brewer-patriot Samuel Adams have said if he were asked to give up his drink and go outside? Well, I don't know what he would have said, but he would have thrown some shit into the ocean.

Patrick Henry? Give him beer or give him death.

Nathan Hale? You can bet he would have tried to sneak back in, even if the consequences involved execution. We know, after all, his fate. "I regret that I have but one life to give for my country, and that I wasn't given a choice of beverage during my final meal."

The British? They'd only be offended if they were asked to leave a tea room. They love red-tape logistical legalese. Remember the stamp act? How about the new beer tax? As my friend was being asked to leave the bar, the very essence of America was being threatened. I wouldn't be surprised if the bouncer were French or worse, French-Iraqi.

I can already hear George W. Bush's advice to Agnes after being kicked out the second time. "Stay the course, Agnes. We can't let the enemy dictate our lifestyle."

Damn right we can't.