Posted: 03/07/07

Doc Rivers and Co., please lose
Celtics top choice chances in lottery draft depleting with hot streak

Justin Veiga | managing editor
jveiga@smcvt.edu

Usually at this time of year I am begging the basketball Gods to bless the Celtics as they enter the final stretch of the season. Please, oh mighty masters of the parquet, let the Celtics' three-pointers fall gracefully in the hoop; let their passes be perfect; let their dunks be with authority, their foul shots un-Shaq-esque and their ally-oops super oopity.

But not this season.

Instead, I ask the fair and omnipotent deities of the court to deliver evil curses to the men in green and white as they finish their season (just please, only bad games, no injuries to key players). Demoralize them. Make every game a loss by 30 points if you must. Just please, end this four-game win streak that the Celtics have built over the past week.

Why would I wish for such a New England sports atrocity?

Because the more losses that the Celts can compile over the final six weeks of the season, the better their chances at a number one pick in the 2007 National Basketball Association Draft.

As of Tuesday, March 6, Boston had the second worst win percentage in the league: .288. With 17 wins and 42 losses, trailing only the lowly Memphis Grizzlies, who are 15-46 (.246), as the projected recipients of the NBA’s 2007 Biggest Joke of the Year Award. These two teams are so awful and so far below the rest of the league in terms of win percentage, even with a dozen more wins before the end of the season, either of these two would still finish second worst in the league.

So if you’re going to be that bad, then why not shoot for the top (or bottom)? What’s the point of only being the second-worst team in the league? After all, second place is really just the first loser. Right Ricky Bobby?

By losing the significant majority of remaining games, the Celtics will improve their lottery percentage in the draft and therefore have a shot at Ohio State University standout Greg Oden, a talent that could quite possibly have dramatic effects for the Celtics and the organization within his rookie season.

All right, so here’s the plan. Listen up Doc Rivers. Here’s how you can insure that come season’s end, your team and your team alone is hoisting that Biggest Joke of the Year trophy:

1. Bench Paul Pierce indefinitely. He’s one of the best scorers in the league. But let’s face it: this season he just hasn’t been himself. With a lengthy injury in the middle of the season, the perennial all-star has had an off year to say the least. Six weeks isn’t going to change that. You might as well let him rest up for next season. And if he objects to being benched, drop a weight on his toe in the team’s training room — you know, just some minor injury that’ll keep him sidelined for a while, but not do any permanent damage.

2. Sit Al Jefferson, too. The guy is averaging over 11 rebounds a game.

3. Instead of running plays and spreading the ball around, just give the rock to Gerald Green each time up the court. Tell him and the rest of the team that the only way they can score is by Green dunking. No three-pointers. No lay-ups. If one of your guys is fouled, tell him he has to shoot with his back to the hoop and fire the ball over his head. The only points up on that scoreboard should be those that were tallied by a Green slam-dunk. The kid’s got the skills to notch just enough points for some excitement, but keep the game a blowout for the opposing team. I mean, come on, he won the NBA All-Star dunk contest didn’t he?

4. Recruit the services of Carmen Electra. No, not as a cheerleader, make her your new center. That should certainly limit your teams’ ability to score and play defense, but what a crowd pleaser. The Garden would most definitely sel out for the remainder of the season, especially if the organization decided that her uniform would be an 80s "Daisy Dukes" throwback (just please keep the rest of the guys wearing the current duds).