Posted: 09/05/07

“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son”
Words of wisdom for the class of 2011

Bill O’Connor | managing editor
woconnor@smcvt.edu

Go.

Stand out in front of Alliot Student Center, sit on the steps of Jeanmarie Hall, or take a late-night stroll through the 300s field. Everywhere you tread on St. Michael’s College campus, they’re unmistakable and inescapable. They’re first-years, and they’re here to stay.

A typical confused first-uear. (Photo Illustration, Bill O'Connor)

Every fall a new crop of young impressionable minds takes up residence here at St. Michael’s, and every fall it seems that they become more and more… well… like first-years.

Since the fear of being singled out and alone drives much of the first-year existence, they flock to Alliot in packs of 30. They swarm townhouses on Friday and Saturday nights, standing outside doing that awkward “I’m-a-first-year-and-I’m-looking for-anyone-I-kind-of-know-here” head bob.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not picking on first-years; no, no. If anything they provide countless hours of entertainment for the rest of us. We were all first-years once, and though we don’t like to admit it, we all pulled some of those same, patented, first-year moves that allow for detection from miles away.

So, in the spirit of camaraderie and good will, I would like to provide this year’s class of first-years, the class of 2011, with some helpful advice gleaned from the real-life first-year experiences of a few select members of this year’s senior class (who will remain unnamed).

Without further ado, I present you with Freshmen Do’s and Don’ts, 2007 Edition:

Dear first-years (that means you, freshmen),

If you should so happen to be walking down the fourth floor hallway of Ryan Hall with a half-empty Natty Ice can in your hand and Security Officer Michael Mannings turns the corner ahead of you from the stairwell into the hallway, do not attempt to drunkenly shove the can into the pocket of your new designer jeans. Your sly maneuvering will not fool Officer Mannings, and it will take three or four washes to get that stale beer smell out of your “Diesels."

When talking to a group of seniors on an arbitrary Friday night in the 300s field, do not insist on telling them that you are a junior transfer student from Boston College and respond to their questions of “Well, do you know so-and-so? He goes to BC,” with “No, nah, it’s a big school, you know.” Despite you’re best efforts, you look like a first-year, you act like a first year and they know that you are a first-year. You will assume the persona of “That Freshman Junior Transfer Kid” and they will laugh anytime they see you for the remainder of the year.

Do take advantage of your friends’ unlocked doors while they are at classes by commandeering all of their worldly belongings and moving them into an alternate location (someone else’s room, lounge, etc.). This includes desks, beds, televisions, refrigerators, couches and chairs; grab everything and anything. The look of confusion and panic that will be present on your pal’s face when he or she barges into your room yelling, “All my stuff is gone,” will prove completely worth the effort (not to mention that there’s the strange, if sick, satisfaction you will feel because you know exactly where their “stuff” is).

Do get your hands on as many copies of the local area phone book as you can and proceed to tear them to shreds, scattering the pages on the floor until your room is overflowing with yellow paper. After this is completed, have a “phone book party.” You will be surprised at how much fun this is, and how much cheaper and easier it is to clean up from than a suds, foam or shaving cream party. A side note: when you are done, you should recycle all the paper, unless you want Green Up SMC knocking down your door.

Do not throw the closet door you were using as a Beirut table out the fourth floor window of Ryan Hall with all the empties and cups still on it. This is a bad idea. Enough said.

On a similar note, do not throw a paper airplane that is engulfed in flames out that same window as security is walking by below. You will quickly learn that, “All I did was throw a perfectly biodegradable piece of paper out the window,” will not work as a defense.

Do not go to parties in the 500s. They’re no fun at all, no matter what the smirking blonde kid outside of Townhouse 324 tells you.

Finally, do remember that this is your freshmen year. You have three more years here after this, and the classes only get harder, the amounts of free time smaller, and the opportunities to hang out and partake in stupid and meaningless ventures fewer. Have fun; don’t take yourself and your work too seriously, and go make your freshmen year one to remember. One so good that Freshmen Do’s and Don’ts, 2010 Edition, is infinitely better than the version you’re reading now.