What do we do to make ourselves feel “clean”?
And I don’t just mean a meticulous hygiene regimen.
I have a hunch that one might anticipate that an column about feeling “clean” will outline a Walden-esque experience where the writer communes with nature, takes a few deep breathes of the crisp new fall air and uses the time to REFLECT and just LET IT GO, because they NOW understand that their petty frustrations in life are obsolete in the grand scheme of things and especially in light of these turning leaves which are just THE pinnacle of nature’s beauty.
Yeah, that's not really where I’m coming from.
It's not that I don’t enjoy nature, but sitting still and letting myself think about life in general would just really freak me out. I would likely come out of that experience feeling more overwhelmed than before. I am far too over-analytical and neurotic to let go of anything after thinking about it. I think too much. My mind is in constant overdrive and I sometimes feel like I can’t get it to just chill the hell out. Reflect? I’ll give you reflection, deflection, re-examination, pros/cons, and right and wrongs. This might be helpful when I am writing a paper, but it proves troublesome and overwhelming when I am picking out candy for a movie, or deciding what new face wash I want to buy.
I tend to perseverate on a physical manifestation of control and diligence in order to convince my mind that I do have things under control, usually to compensate for how wildly out of control I feel sometimes. As a result, my cleansing process often includes actual cleaning.
I’m kind of a total slob, but if I am feeling at all anxious about something, the result might be a totally clean kitchen. I don’t really know why I chose the kitchen, but for some reason this trend never really caught on in my bedroom, which always looks like a bomb testing site.
I’ll put on some trashtastic pop music, grab a sponge, and get to work. Hey, my personal life may be in complete shambles, but gee whittikers I have a spotless kitchen. It’s really an odd Susie Homemaker reaction that pretty much contradicts the rest of my personality, and I have yet to figure it out myself.
This domestic freak-show cleanse happens only sporadically, but my daily cleansing regimen consists of a slightly obsessive gym habit.
My body goes on autopilot as I don my headphones, churn out 60-90 minutes of cardio and 20-30 minutes of weight training while my mind goes completely blank, and I just let the endorphins take care of my stress. Reflect on the day? More like forget the day.
And for about two hours, I do. The short, somewhat chubby girl monopolizing all the cardio machines? Yeah, that would be me. I might look like I am about to stroke out, I might be sweating buckets, but despite the opposing physical evidence, I am actually in a weird, mindless blissed out state that allows me to relieve myself of the clutches of high strung anxiety that I can’t otherwise seem to shake. After, I feel relaxed, calm, and in someways, clean.
I realize that Valium or Xanax might produce similar effects, but at least this way I might get some sick biceps in the process.
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