In a move that has shocked many, St. Michael’s College has signed onto a five-year plan to make the campus completely paperless.
This radical new program includes a complete turnover to virtual tests, virtual newspapers, and even virtual books. The library and bookstore will be required to donate all books, periodicals and printer paper to composting, and purchase digital versions of readings not available via Internet.
Some have expressed concern that only having books available via computer could cause headaches and blurred vision, but proponents claim that it is a small price to pay for the destruction of trees throughout history, and could even be seen as an act of solidarity.
“We just really want to give back to the earth what we took from it,” said one student in favor of the new plan. He was clad in black “to mourn Mother Nature’s tragic loss of trees,” he said.
Once the books are gone, excess library space will be used for additional computers and seating, so students may read without bringing their own laptops.
Other new steps include fining students caught with “illegal substances” such as notebooks or newspapers up to $75 on the first offense. This measure will result in requiring students to take notes in class via laptop computer. Digital voice recorders will be made available for students without access to portable computers.
Support for the movement started early last spring with student-led protests, which included mock funerals for the piles of unread Defender issues, students chanting anti-paper slogans while marching through campus such as “Don’t make leaves loose-leaf,” and yellow caution tape being wrapped around all public printers.
Students who felt passionately about the issue were able to get the attention of the President when they presented him with the signatures of over 1,000 students. They garnered these signatures through petitions in Alliot.
“We’ve found that tabling is a really effective tool,” said one volunteer. “If you make them [students] feel uncomfortable enough, and the explanation looks lengthy enough, they’ll sign anything.”
Another potential benefit of a paperless campus is a “cleaner” look for campus, without the many flyers advertising concerts, volunteer opportunities and other off-campus events. The new system for promoting events proposed is modeled after the system of a herald, who stands in a central location to read aloud the news of the day. This position will be filled by a work-study student who has sufficient lung capacity to speak loudly and clearly for extended periods of time. New methods of testing, similar to auditions, will be established to acquire the most able-bodied students for the position.
The most controversial point in the new plan deals with the wide use of toilet paper on campus. It is the single largest waste of paper anywhere on campus, said a college official, but is the most difficult to abstain from. There have been several suggestions on how to cut back on toilet paper use, such as providing cloths in each bathroom stall that can be sterilized and reused, but the forum for discussion is still open for this initiative.
Although St. Michael’s College will no longer be able to advertise via bulk mailings under the new plan, activists are confident that the new model will be an advertisement for the college unto itself.
“I think it will really help draw in more liberals to the campus,” said one student. “We don’t have enough liberal activism on campus, so if we do something extreme like making paper products illegal, I think it really makes a statement about what is important to us.”
The President will meet with the student body next week to further discuss the new plan.
NOTE: This column was written as satire.
|
