December 5, 2007

The finer, (and the not so fine) things in life
My thoughts on what really matters

Mark Gould | managing editor

As a columnist, I have had the unique opportunity to spew my opinion to hundreds of readers each week. 

I’ve written about Bill Belichick, Burlington, New Jersey, Middlebury, and football.  However, I have not had the opportunity to share my thoughts on several pressing issues. And because this will be my last column, there is much to discuss.

Outrunning "Guitar Zero"

First, and foremost, Outrun 2019 for Sega Genesis is the greatest video game ever, and if you think otherwise you likely lack the mental capacity to formulate opinions for which I should care.

Set in the year 2019, your goal is to drive a rocket-powered car which maxes out at 682 miles per hour, all the while dodging enemy cars who try to thwart your chances at reaching a checkpoint.  You control your destiny (in the future, mind you) as the road abruptly splits, and you are left to decide between paths toward ancient ruins and the arctic tundra. Take that, free will.

Should you run into a sign, building, or enemy vehicle while at max speed, you might be lucky enough to have your car back flip and land back on its wheels at full speed. How cool is that?

But what sets this video game apart from all others is its epic soundtrack.  The upbeat techno has a sense of urgency and awesomeness that culminates with Mainstream’s “Victorious” upon successful completion of the game. 

By contrast, Guitar Hero is the worst game ever created. It will suck the life out of you and before you know it, the fun-cancer that is Guitar Zero will turn you into a zombie-like state.

Further, great songs that are featured in the game have now been dubbed “Guitar Hero songs,” as if they were originally written for Guitar Zero. This game’s only saving grace is that it features Danzig’s “Mother.”  But then again, if you were really trying to imitate a Danzig concert, you’d have to punch an unruly fan in the face, and rock way harder than a plastic guitar would allow.  (See 2:07 into this live performance)

You just got served, customer

Earlier this semester I made a map of popular downtown destinations for first-years.  In it, I debated including American Flatbread, a popular pizza joint on St. Paul Street. Instead, I chose one of its competitors, Vermont Pub and Brewery.   At the time, I thought it was a toss up.  Both brew beer, and both have great food at reasonable prices. 

Only now have I realized the inferiority of American Flatbread.  On a Friday, several weeks ago, I called to see if I could make a reservation.  My hours worth of calls were never answered.  Each time I was met with an answering machine that theorized that they might be too busy to pick up the phone.  Not only is this extremely unprofessional, but it goes against the purpose of a restaurant, which is to provide an enjoyable overall experience for the paying customer.

Annoyed but not dissuaded, my girlfriend and I ventured to the restaurant, curious to see just how busy it was.  Inside, the bar was buzzing with activity, and the tables were mostly full. I was told by a waitress that the wait for two people would be approximately two hours.

This Friday, I again ventured downtown for a meal, but this time I chose wisely, opting for Vermont Pub and Brewery.  I was able to arrange a call ahead to give me priority on the wait list.  When I arrived, a wait was not necessary, despite the steady influx of patrons.  And the food and beer was better. Advantage, Vermont Pub and Brewery.

And what about our beloved campus information technology (IT) department?  It would be wrong of me to place blame on the entire department, because speckled among many disengaged workers are kind, patient, informative technicians who I, and others should have no problem with.  

Every day there is a new problem with the network, but all too often, it is the same, old problem:  The internet is painfully slow.  We are told to report any problems we encounter, but why can’t IT be proactive? It's time to abandon the "set it and forget it" attitude.

Perhaps more enraging than the nagging problems that pester most any campus computer is the manner in which these problems are dealt with.  Several semesters ago, I took a class, New Media 2, which relied solely on computers. Because of IT’s failure to fix problems that were present all semester, the course, and our learning of the technology suffered. We were treated as if it was their last priority, when in fact our educational growth should be the utmost priority.

I don’t know if it's an issue with the staff or an issue with understaffing, but something needs to change.

“You gotta’ dunk that shit!”

I have the utmost respect for female athletes. But girls in the WNBA, if you're taller than 6"3', to borrow a line from Anger Management, "you gotta dunk that shit!"  In 2002, Lisa Leslie became the first woman to dunk when, after receiving an outlet pass from a teammate, she went up and did this.

Since then, there have been several other females to successfully dunk, but there remains an imbalance of the height-to-dunking ability ratio in the league. Leslie is 6”5’.  Dunking a basketball should be second nature.  And the dunk is the most exciting shot for many spectators, so maybe it could help the league’s dwindling popularity.

The athleticism required for someone of that height to dunk is miniscule. Can I dunk? No. As a 5”6’ washed up athlete, I can at least touch the rim though. Make me 6”5’ like Leslie and I’ll show you some real dunks.

Soccer, volleyball, and hockey are tremendous examples of raw female athleticism that is exciting and inspiring. The WNBA's mediocrity is anything but that.

If you think my opinions are harsh, unwarranted, or outright wrong, you might be right.  In fact, if you’re so smart, why not write a column for the Echo next semester? You won't even have to deal with me and my opinions.