For goodness sake, everyone, relax. The AIDS pandemic isn’t all that bad.
The world has been getting a bit too crowded, you may have noticed. AIDS is nature’s way of knocking a few million out to make room for the rest of us to stretch our legs. Sure it’s killing the human population in droves, but this is not a unique phenomenon. For instance in 1347, the Black Death wiped out 25 million Europeans in five years. The only result we see today is a genetically improved breed of people resistant to bubonic plague. Ever hear of Darwin’s theory of natural selection?
There are 33 million people in the world infected with HIV as of 2007, but here’s the thing: in one year we spent $22.8 billion on support for these people, and you know what they do? They die. All that money goes down the drain. If we could take all that money and spend it in more useful ways, such as bailing out Wall Street corruption or financing more wars, imagine where the United States could be today! With the money and power applied correctly, we’d never have to think twice where we step in the world.
And all those people with AIDS? Well, without financial support they’ll surely die out within a few years and then we won’t have to worry about them anymore. And once the pharmaceutical companies don’t have to slave day and night to come up with yet another magical pill to combat the constantly mutating HIV virus, they can focus on more important things, like combating acne and curing erectile dysfunction once and for all. Now that’s useful.
Think of it! If every HIV/AIDS infected person were to die, inner cities would be empty and safe, the number of drug users and prostitutes would decline exponentially, and we’d finally have ourselves a country with some moral fiber! And with any luck, much of Africa would die out in a century or so, and we’d be able to fully exploit the land and resources. I’ve always wanted a blood diamond.
Yes, there’d be a few awkward years in the meantime where people would be dropping like flies, but once that’s over with, provided you make it through, think of how pleasant the world would be. Poverty rates would plummet, especially in Sub-Saharan Africa, where five percent of adults are living with HIV/AIDS (about 30 percent in Botswana!). The disease seems to target the most economically productive age set of the population, leaving grandmothers to raise their orphaned grandchildren. But when the old folks bite the dust, all those helpless kids will follow suit. Just like that, three generations gone; no more people, no more poverty. It’s brilliant, really.
Activists should stop working so hard. I propose that instead of wasting so much time and energy on fighting this illness, on drugs and research, on social services and prevention and all these things to help make the lives of people better today, I say leave ‘em alone. If you had AIDS, would you really want to accept hand-outs to make it to your next birthday? How worthwhile could your life be, anyway, when all you do is take dozens of pills every day?
So don’t bother with condoms, and sleep around as much as possible. If your genes can’t handle it, your genes probably weren’t meant to survive. In a hundred years, there might only be a few million people left in the world, but at least they can breathe easily knowing they won’t die of the pandemic…until the next one rolls around. |
